生活在于当下(第1页)
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又是人间四月天,这几年因为疫情闹得少了很多出去寻觅的心情,在少了很多自由行动的时空里情绪也比以往更容易波动。越想要稳住心底里的波澜时不仅心情更急躁,还会连带着感觉身体哪哪都不舒服。放以前,我会在神情上将这些都表现出来,而现在,除了在先生面前,其他时候就是想办法给自己找个安静的角落去慢慢平复。
几乎每年的4月初都恰逢清明,原来想在假期那几天写点东西,或儿时跟家族里的堂叔们去给祖上扫墓,或用文字来祭奠已经去到另外一个世界的亲人,却在打开电脑时迟迟不知道如何开头,连一个字都敲不出来,索性放弃。那会儿,心里是责怪自己的,有点不知所措,有点失落烦闷,有点……阳光甚好,春风和煦,却找不到突破自我的出口。
在假期的最后一天,先生按原计划带我去爬帽峰山,理由是近来我除了公司就是家里,两点一线,除了工作就是学习,得出去吸收自然的养分。
因为假期第一天先生还得上班,原来的安排他是下班再回家,可前一晚我在上课时突然头痛、身体发冷,临近夜晚11点他跟我视频才知道就马上开车从项目工地回来,第二天早上看我好了很多才又去项目上工作。因为从小习惯了任何事都自己忍着,就算是身体不舒服,不到实在忍不住也不会跟家里人说,现在又因为担心影响先生工作而选择自己硬抗。我以为自己依然能扛过去,但在先生视频接通时我的眼泪就很不争气的流了下来,在他回来到打开家里的门就叫我的时候好像头痛也减轻了很多。
在爬完山回来的晚上聊天时先生说:“我说你为什么突然头痛,你就是压力太大,不要给自己那么大压力,这次考试不过就下次嘛,干嘛把自己搞得那么大压力,听到没!”
语气里有责备更有心疼。作为工程男,我从来没想过先生能有很多时间陪我,也理解这个行业的辛苦,但还是会忍不住偶尔跟他撒撒娇、抱怨下。说来,长这么大,在遇见先生之前我似乎不知道什么是撒娇,更不敢奢望可以被人无条件的疼爱,这也是近来我慢慢发现自己没有了伴了我几十年的恐慌的原因。
就在刚刚,突觉身体乏力、心中憋着一股气想要发泄出来,先生又用他自己做挡板让我的情绪缓下来再给我按摩一会儿。若是没有及时的缓解,此刻的我该是又在为自己发着不知名的愁闷了。
絮絮叨叨的写下这些文字,才发现我也已经总是有意无意的“撒狗粮”
。相比于以往害怕每一段关系的时间长久,担忧每一段关系的维持牵绊,此时的我更愿意享受当下,注重此时此刻、此时此地我的感受,而不是去为未知惆怅。
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