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时间充当过客(第1页)

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羊城的冬天来的挺晚,刚将保暖的衣物整理出来不到一个月就又需要春秋的衣物出来招摇。前些日子的消沉、无精打采似乎也在近日天气持续转好的状态下慢慢消失,在这周开始又完全回到斗志饱满的状态。回到干劲十足的状态,全身心投入想要做的事中,享受凭借自己的能力一个个解决问题、一步步向前走的喜悦,精力却似乎有点跟不上,不得不在途中眯眼反思。

白日里只要闭上眼就能入睡,走路也是困意十足,到了夜晚入睡时间却又面临轻微失眠,明明脑子里什么也没想,可睡意就是若隐若现。去年国庆假期最后几天结束将近2年的失眠,享受了三个多月睡眠安稳的舒服,现在又开始睡不安稳,是又要给我某些方面的提醒或者警示。

临近农历新年,被问到最多的问题就是什么时候回家,尤其是在疫情又稍反转的情况下,是否回家过年成了人们相遇时必聊的话题。于我而言,回老家过年与否跟当下大形势关联微弱,只是在此时却可以让它成为做出选择的最好借口。自高中开始,与成长的山村之间的距离一步步拉长,依旧能清晰想起山村的每一座山,依旧能详细描述镇上到山村的那条路,依旧……回忆只要开启,就像泛滥的潮水奔涌而来,按常理该是想要回去、想要即刻就回到,但这种感觉却在近年慢慢消失。还喜欢着山村,还依恋着山村,还会梦见山村,只是有些消失的记忆偶尔模模糊糊出现在脑海就会害怕,特别是在梦里相遇时,惊恐与周遭的黑暗将我裹挟,庆幸身体已经逃出,庆幸心里也在拉长距离,或许需要很长时间才能治愈,但至少已经学会面对。

总喜欢仰望天空,不管是蓝天白云还是乌云密布,总之就是羡慕他们的自由自在,可以用自己的不同色彩、形状及运动状态来给生命做出警示,还不需要担惊受怕。小时候会幻想云层之上真的有神仙,他们乘着云遨游天际、遍览世间百态,还能悠哉游哉的享受人类的敬仰;现在习惯望着天空发呆,无论是什么天气情况,无论天空中有什么,还是羡慕它的广阔可以容纳我所有的幻想、痴想。工作时间里偶尔偷闲站在窗玻璃前对着天空发会儿呆,静观一会儿云朵的变化,身体虽没去到外面的世界,却已经感受到外面自由的空气,被堵塞的思维也会在那一刻通畅而让我可以又坐到自己的办公桌前继续刚被截胡的工作。

以前努力学习、努力表现自己,以为只是想证明自己,现在才知道是要走出那个让我不自由的环境,是要赢得可以做自己的机会,现在的我已经在朝着这个方向走,有些事也将一一放下给心里腾出更多空间才能容纳下其他。偶尔还是会想念山村,想念炊烟在屋檐缓缓升起的画面……有些人,这一生都在寻求自我,有迷失,有彷徨,有落魄……只要自我意识这一人的自由赖以生存的基础没丢,坎坷与坦途最终都将成为精美的点缀。

(20210128)

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