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丫鬟命公主病是什么意思
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第17章(第1页)

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空荡荡的天花板,简单的木间,从未让我如此绝望。

床榻上印着一点血迹,我眼神空洞地躺在床上,干睁着眼,不知过了多久……多少年了,我心中第一次有了怨,我恨我自己的无能为力,我恨院中没有一个侍人现身……我甚至不禁质问佛祖:我这些年来,供养道场,尽心尽力,为何降此祸于我!

净慧大师早就说过,只有佛门清净之地,才能保护灵儿平安,如今我已是污秽之身,又犯了沙门戒,已成污秽之人,佛门所不容,又如何能护卫灵儿?又如何能完成小姐对我的嘱托?!

……若此秽事又传出寺去,就连灵觉小世子的名声都要为我所累……闭上眼,我真恨不得让自己受千刀之苦,以换昨夜之事未曾发生。

我绝望了。我为自己的弱小愚蠢而不齿。

少爷前两天说了那样的话,我又为何不明白少爷言下之意?我又为何懵懵懂懂未做防护?如今无可挽回,我罪无可赦……

时间在我的意识中,就好似停滞了一般。不知不觉到了五更,天蒙蒙亮了,雨声还未停歇,滴滴答答落在房檐上。雨中依稀听到鸡鸣,我终是惊觉坐起,灵儿是要起床了。

我有些吃力地撑起身,挪到案台边,摊开一张‘云锦’,琢了墨便抬笔给净慧大师写信。落毫收笔,寥寥四十多字,却似乎便耗尽了我一生的力气。

我已做好了决定。

如今,只有把灵觉小世子托付给小姐的恩师,净慧大师了。她慈悲为怀,定会护小世子周全。而我身已秽,我已犯错,无能挽回,如今唯一能做的,便是不让我的污名玷染了干干净净的灵觉小世子。

将给净慧大师的信收好放入信封,我拉了拉破碎的衣袍,堪堪蔽体,扶着墙走到门边,将信放在门槛上。

虽已到了时辰,但我已不再能服侍灵觉小世子起床,污秽之身只怕他会沾上这身晦气……灵儿一直是个作息守时的孩子,果然不久便听见有轻轻的脚步声走到门边,灵儿在门外问道:“姑姑,你起了么?”

隔着门,我在门内平复了呼吸,尽量平静地道:“灵儿,姑姑今天不适,怕是病了,你可看见门槛上有封信?”

“看见了。”

“今日净慧大师来讲经,你便把信给她,知道吗?”

“知道了。”

“姑姑怕是得了染病,治好前,你可千万别碰到姑姑。”

“姑姑别怕,灵儿也生过病,病既来也会去,你会好起来的。”

我忍着泪水:“姑姑知道了,你可还不去佛堂念晨经?”

“嗯。那我去了。”

脚步声远去,我走到炉子边生了火,又再一次检查了紧闭的门窗……做完了这些,我又将衣袍堪堪拉好,遮蔽我体,小心翼翼地躺在了床上。

如今,唯有以死鉴志,才能保护灵觉小世子,我虽已经负了小姐,但我不能对不起我心中对自己的许愿。

小姐……脑中又现起她的音容笑貌……思及这里,我不禁痛彻心肺……我放弃了尘世间的一切,把所有的爱倾注在灵儿身上,只愿他快快长大……可我终究还是没做到。

耻于自己的无能为力,我几乎有些窒息。

炭火在噼里啪啦地作响,呼吸也越来越不顺畅……

……黑暗是慢慢侵蚀而来的……

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